The Truth About Spiritual Bypassing: Why We Need to Feel It to Heal It

For nearly a week now I’ve been barely keeping my head above the waters of anger, sadness, fear and hopelessness.

Since January 20, we’ve watched the Orange Menace and his cronies begin their attack on human rights, dismantling hard-fought protections and threatening the well-being of soooo many people. And when a Christan leader had the audacity to preach the Gospel and ask the president to show mercy for vulnerable people, a whole sea of empire-worshipping MAGA cult members were outraged - by mercy. FFS.

It’s no wonder grief, fear, and anger are bubbling up for a lot of us—these are heartbreaking times.

And yet, amidst all of this, there are also voices sweetly telling us to “stay positive” or “keep the faith.”

Seems like we’re running into something called spiritual bypassing.

Coined by psychologist John Welwood in the 1980s, he defines it as “a tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks”.

In other words, spiritual bypassing is, in a nutshell, when folx use spirituality or positivity to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions or hard truths. It’s like putting a sparkly Band-Aid over a deep wound. It might look fine on the surface, but underneath, the real healing hasn’t even started.

What Does Spiritual Bypassing Look Like?

Spiritual bypassing can show up in all kinds of ways, often disguised as "positivity" or "spiritual wisdom" or “love and light.” But when we scratch the surface, we’ll see it’s really just a way of avoiding (and often perpetuating) the hard stuff. Here are a few examples:

• Suppressing your own feelings of so-called “negative” emotions: Shutting down anger or sadness because it doesn’t feel “faithful” enough or you don’t want to “be a burden” on others.

• Toxic positivity: Acting like every problem can be solved by just thinking happy thoughts. It can look like believing life can or should be all love and light, without any shadows. It can take the form of “Everything happens for a reason” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle” when someone is clearly hurting.

• Silencing others’ emotions: Telling people to stop being “negative” or “turn your pain into love and light” when they express sadness, anger, frustration, or any form of suffering that you may not fully understand.

Why Avoiding Pain Doesn’t Work

Here’s the thing: pain as uncomfortable as it is, has wisdom for us if we’re willing to sit with it. When we skip over our pain in the name of being “spiritual” or “positive,” we miss out on that wisdom. Worse, those unprocessed emotions don’t just disappear. They simmer in the background, showing up as anxiety, burnout, or even resentment.

The Power of Honoring Pain

Joanna Macy, the incredible eco-philosopher and founder of The Work That Reconnects, reminds us of the importance of honoring our pain—not as a burden, but as a doorway to connection. She says, “The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe.” Macy believes that by facing our grief, anger, or fear, we can reconnect with the world around us and move toward healing—not just for ourselves, but for our communities and the Earth itself.

If you’re wondering what it looks like to truly manifest change, The Work That Reconnects offers a beautiful roadmap. This approach encourages us to move through four key stages:

1. Gratitude – Starting with gratitude helps ground us in what we love and want to protect.

2. Honoring Our Pain for the World – Here’s where we lean into the difficult feelings instead of running from them.

3. Seeing with New Eyes – From that place of honesty, we gain new perspectives and a sense of interconnection.

4. Going Forth – With fresh clarity and energy, we take action to create change.

One of the most transformative parts of this process is learning to see pain not as an enemy, but as a guide.

“Pain for the world is not only natural, it is a necessary component of our healing. As in all organisms, pain has a purpose: it is a warning signal, designed to trigger remedial action. It is not to be banished by injections of optimism or sermons on “positive thinking.” It is to be named and validated as a healthy, normal human response to the situation we find ourselves in. Faced and experienced, its power can be used. As the frozen defences of the psyche thaw, new energies and intelligence are released.“-Joanna Macy”

Honoring Our Pain for The World in The Work That Reconnects involves the following steps:

• acknowledging our pain for the world

• validating it as a valid response

• letting ourselves experience this pain

• feeling okay about expressing it to others

• recognizing how widely it is shared by others

• understanding that it springs from our caring and connectedness

Embracing Both Light and Shadow

I do get it, spiritual bypassing often comes from the place of good intentions - a desire to help alleviate someone’s suffering. Or it can come from a feeling of helplessness and discomfort, not knowing what to do when we witness deep pain.

Avoiding spiritual bypassing is not about rejecting spirituality or positivity. It’s about balance. It’s about holding space for both light and shadow, joy and sorrow, gratitude and grief. And it’s about turning to face the causes of suffering so we can begin to heal.

The next time you feel the urge to bypass your pain—or someone else’s—pause for a moment. Breathe. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel it all. In fact, it’s more than okay—it’s necessary. Because when we allow ourselves to fully experience the fullness of our human experience, messy emotions and all, that’s where the real healing begins. That’s how sustainable change can emerge.

Resources to Dive Deeper

If all this resonates with you, I highly recommend checking out a wise, in-depth post about Spiritual Bypassing over on Emily Underworld.

For a deep dive into Joanna Macy’s Work That Reconnects, you can start at workthatreconnects.org. It’s a treasure trove of wisdom, practices, and community for anyone wanting to engage deeply with the world—and their own hearts.

You can also explore the Deep Times Journal and its section devoted to Honoring Our Pain for The World.

And remember, friends, you don’t have to walk this path alone. Whether it’s a trusted friend, therapist, or group, find people who will sit with you in the heaviness, and gently remind you of your own strength. Once you find your footing again, you are invited to connect with others who are investing their time and talent in addressing the root causes of the many tendrils of injustice and suffering in the world.

With love and compassion,
Hazel